Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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