does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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