So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
