i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Oh god it's open bar.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
