Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
