Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
