I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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