the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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