i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
