my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
