thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
