My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
