When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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