a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
we're so committed to being not committed
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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