1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My vagina is officially offended.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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