I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
