I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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