We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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