Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
