I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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