I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
