I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Randomize
