So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Buhtt sex?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
