Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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