captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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