she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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