God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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