That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
