And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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