I just threw up on my dentist
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
