Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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