She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
