So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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