How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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