Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
