I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
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She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
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Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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