I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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