did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
