I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
