I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
