she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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