On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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