either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
