I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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