found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
