Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
