I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
