The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
