Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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