listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
