If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
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Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
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He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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