i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
