When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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