i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
