I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
