But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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