my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
