im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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