I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
