I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
