pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
