FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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