She is in my trunk
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
